Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm at about main and main street
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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