I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
