I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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