capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
bring money and cleavage
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
