I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
