the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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