theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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