Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
