Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize