I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
