In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
