I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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