Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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