if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
