Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You don't make any sense
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