I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
