She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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