oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
