If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
this is an emotional support booty call
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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