I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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