I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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