So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
