i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize