So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
