I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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