I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
