I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
