Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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