Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
