No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
