do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
