I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize