3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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