Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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