he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
