Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
