a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
