idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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