on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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