She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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