Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
