After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
