just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
