she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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