I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
