I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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