I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
