Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
even my farts smell like vagina
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
