I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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