Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize