guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
