oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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