I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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