You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
