Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he fucked my hip out of place.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Drunk is not a location!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
