I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
