Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
