He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Still dying that you shit outside
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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