I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
