I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
