i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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